Study Finds Being Tremendous Butthole Ineffective Persuasive Technique

Study finds that, among many effective methods used to garner support and change minds, being a pompous douchecanoe did not even make the list.

Before the results were posted, most people probably thought these two gentlemen ended the day by completely and politely agreeing with each other.

AP – A list of the top 10 types of persuasive arguments was recently compiled as a result of an ongoing government-funded study into many of the world’s most popular social networks. The study, which lasted six months and actively took feedback from over 10 thousand participants, was designed to document the most effective methods commonly used to persuade other people and get them to see other points of view.

But one of the most startling revelations revealed from this experiment was that being a complete and total turdwaffle did not even make the list. While this news did not shock the vast majority of participants, social network users around the world were stunned.

Lindsay Anna Young, a self-described internet argumentationalist, described her reaction. “This really explains a lot. I wondered why what I was doing wasn’t working. Someone said something I didn’t like and I tried to correct him by telling him to go f— himself with barbed wire. He got upset about it instead of instantly agreeing with me. So I got madder and tried stabbing him. I thought for sure that would get him to see my side of things, but all he did was call the cops.”

“People are way too sensitive these days,” she added irritably.

Young is only one among many who are now second guessing themselves and their debate methods completely. Some bloggers who made names for themselves by being insufferable sphincter-jockeys even shut down their websites while they tried to come to terms with what they had just discovered.

“I stereotyped, I generalized, I told people that I hated them and that I wished they would kill themselves, all sorts of things,” 24-year-old Samantha Setter told the press. “I was as nasty and vile as I could be. Seriously, I was a first class pretentious crotch-goblin. But I only did that because I thought I was helping my cause. I thought people would read my attacks and go, ‘You know what, she’s right, I completely agree with her. If only someone had been a total jerk to me in the first place, I would have learned a lot sooner!’”

However, just like with any study that reveals common sense to be the oxymoron that it is, many readers fought back. Deborah Marie Chase, 32, spoke to the press from her parents’ house where she runs a blog dedicated to her witty commentary on social issues.

“Clearly the issue isn’t that we’re being too mean,” Chase explained, sniffing at reporters from a nose raised so high she was at risk of drowning herself in a rainstorm. “The issue is that we aren’t being mean enough. The saying goes ‘you catch more flies with honey than vinegar,’ right? Well instead of vinegar, try cyanide. Maybe even fire. If being a colossal ass-biscuit isn’t working, work your way up to full-on ass-buffet.”

Overlooked in the titanic battle between the two sides arguing over the study’s results is a third group of people, one who is attempting to hold on to any remaining faith they may have left in their species. One young woman looked at the study’s findings and said only, “No shit, sherlock.” Another man immediately burst into tears and tossed the study results into the fire. As his wife consoled him and walked him away, he muttered something about “my tax dollars at work,” and “I thought everyone already knew this, what are they teaching them in schools these days.”

The results have only been posted for a week, but already they have generated massive debates and considerations over current policies, and have caused many activists, groups and entire international organizations to revamp their outreach programs. While some expect a stable new approach within a month, others like Setter are left wondering whether they have a future at all.

“Being an obnoxious and sanctimonious ass-flap is literally all I know how to be. I don’t know if I can change. I’d have to start all over from the beginning. Maybe I’ll just take up bird watching,” Setter said.

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